Fake, lies and propaganda

There is absolutely no truth in the rumour, that I’ve just started, that the urgent repairs to Bute Hoose that have been identified, resulting in the First Minister having tae decamp tae a local bed n breakfast (continental breakfast only, a fry up is 4 quid extra a day, black pudding is another quid on top of that) is less to do with dry rot, structural faults or cracked ceilings, and more to do with the fact that the place lights up a bank of digital recorders in Cheltenham like Blackpool during the illuminations.

Secretary of State against Scotland, David ‘Air-Miles’ Mundell , who before devolution would have been lucky enough to be residing in the gaff, would have been shocked (on a day he was asked to come along and present his government’s detailed comprehensive Brexit plan to the Scottish cabinet, the FM’s diary secretary having had him pencilled in for five minutes to cover this, including questions) to see his Westminster colleague MP Mhairi Black balanced precariously on an IKEA ladder placed on top of a late Georgian Adam writing desk shouting “Haw Theresa, gonnae let us go? Mone, don’t be rotten” into a ceiling light fitting.

For months neighbours in Charlotte Square have wondered why it is that every time a visitor, usually a foreign looking type from the EU, arrives at the residence of the First Minister for a meeting that suddenly without warning, and for the duration of each visit, the building reverberates to the sound of “Runrig at Edinburgh Castle” or “The Proclaimers live at Loch Lomond”.

Critics have suggested this loud music might have caused any cracks in the building’s structure that may have been identified, as well as creating havoc amongst the usual gentrified serenity of the surrounding neighbourhood.

Speculation is rife, only by me again, that during the structural investigation which identified the requirement for repairs, that a large envelope was discovered cunningly wedged in between a cornice and a ceiling decoration which appears to be former Secretary of State against Scotland Michael ‘Toryboy’ Forsyth’s (now obviously Baron something or other) secret stash of snaps of his idol.

The envelope has the words ‘Simply Margaret’ written in red, white and blue crayon on the front, and includes photographs of former dictatorial Premier Margaret Hilda Thatcher in her prime.

Each photo has been annotated on the back with a description and includes such gems as ‘ Margaret and General Pinochet at a garden party’, ‘ Margaret looking stunning as a tank commander on Salisbury Plain’, ‘Me and Margaret at the beach’ and’Denis, Margaret and I at the Highland Games.’

As this envelope is considered an artefact of Scotland’s history it is thought that it may be catalogued and exhibited in the National Museum of Scotland alongside a photo of Baron whatsisface, formerly Forsyth, during his glory days, solemnly accompanying the Stone of Destiny home in his kilt.

…More seriously, If you believe that any of what is written above is remotely true you also probably would believe the Foreign Minister of Spain when he described footage of the recent brutal and uncompromising violence perpetrated by officers of the Spanish state against the citizens of Catalonia, defenceless demonstrators, not resisting or responding to provocation with violence in return, often pensioners or women, simply exercising their democratic rights to vote, as ‘fake.’….

….Or even Theresa May, when she tell you that her government is making positive progress in its negotiations with European Commissioners.

There’s the truth, and then there are just lies and propaganda.