It’s on again, the biggest waste of time, plate of jammy dodgers and a pot of tea since George Martin sat down with the Beatles in 1970 and said “look lads, I think you might have another few albums left in you yet”.
In Scotland’s capital city representatives of the Scottish Government and the Westminster mafia are due to meet yet again today to smile nicely for the cameras, whisper sweet positives, hinting at imaginary progress for the Daily Mail and the Hootsmon, then behind closed doors sit down to a quiet cuppa, a few passing exchanges of cursory pleasantries, five minutes of hard questions, and after about half an hour some surreptitious checking of wrist watches every five minutes by two of the four main protagonists, anxious not to miss their flight back to the comfort of the city state they worship.
On the side of looking after the interests of the people of Scotland will be Deputy First Minister John Swinney and Minister-in-charge -of-trying-to-make-any-sense-out-of-Brexit Michael Russell.
In to bat for the Empire 2.0 Project will be Damian Green (don’t mention his laptop) First Secretary of State of the London government (why do they need more than one these days?) and his happy wee pixie sidekick, the Secretary of State Against Scotland David Mundell.
In the hope (no chance) of receiving parliamentary co-operation, which could be more accurately described as acquiescence, the London chappies will be touting yet yet yet again the ‘Bonanza’ of new powers that they purport that their government will hand to the Scottish Government after said powers are initially transferred back from Brussels to, er eh,em, Westminster.
Messrs Swinney and Russell, both thinking ‘ liar liar, hedge fund portfolio on fire’ will rebutt this oft repeated attempt at seduction by stating the fact that the fundamental principle of devolution as it exists in what is laughingly called the U.K is that all powers, unless specifically stipulated as reserved to Westminster, should be considered therefore as devolved, so we’ll have our agriculture, fisheries, environmental controls and much much more back please London when you finally immolate yourselves at the altar of far right- wing madness come Brexit day.
‘Ah’ the Fluffmeister General will interject, embuing the conversation with an infusion of national fervour. “Trust us. Do you think I, a patriotic Scot, would be part of any plan to try and trick you? Those returned powers will simply rest briefly in Westminster, some of them overnight, before we release them into your new super-turbo maximised devo-spondooforous charge at Holyrood. (Donning see you Jimmy hat and wig he’ll state further) “Hoots mon, ye’ll hae mair pooers than ye’ll ken whit tae dae wae! ”
Unimpressed the Holyrood gents will once again ask the obvious question for about the thousandth time. Which powers, specifically?
In a stupor, and somewhat stumped there will be pained expressions displayed across the table by the union-flagged worthies. Perhaps too a strained aura of flatulence will emit around the ceiling rose, and yet again a direct question will be ignored, not answered and be followed by some kind of diversionary response from Theresa’s crew to try and take the heat out of the moment. (They would be as well just pressing the fire alarm at this juncture or pointing over John Swinney’s shoulder and shouting ” look, a flying reindeer” very loudly.
A complete wasted day. Scotland is getting consulted about nothing. Scotland is getting next to nothing back into its governance from Brussels via London, and the endless round of talks is simply allowing the Tory government to be able to tick a box and give their second hand Mercedes driving, red, white and blue, and sometimes orange, voters in Scotland something artificial to help them pretend to themselves that their British Scotland, apart from its resources, actually matters to a government which rules it from another country.
Scotland could do so much better as an independent country. It really could.