A taxi for the golden hat

Oh dear. Aul’ Liz turns up in casual gear designed tae look like an EU flag, to read out the verbose rubbish she’s been handed by the circus clowns who pass for the UK government, with not a hint of a golden hat about her, and her binoculars and a copy of the Racing Post in the back of the motor.

She’s racking her brain on the way out of the chamber as to whether she can ever remember a government quite as incompetent as this bunch of chancers and snake oil wallopers.

The Crown itself was so pissed off with the current government that it took it’s own transport to the big Do. So much for mucking in with austerity measures. No matter, the extra £370 million of taxpayers money arriving through the Buckingham Palace letterbox shortly will help with the petrol money.

In the slim hope of hanging on to power most real Tory policy plans, the nasty ones, from the dementia tax, stealing the weans school lunches, and reintroducing the chasing of wee furry animals around on horseback,and then drinking port whilst laughing and watching a pack of dogs disemboweling the aforementioned wee furry animal while it’s still alive, have been quietly sidelined.

A night of the long knives is coming. The right wing of the Tory party are circling like salivating hyenas. Theresa,the robotic appeaser of a narcissistic misogynist property speculator, ain’t long for high office, unless they want her to remain simply to take the rap for the unfolding Brexit disaster.

Strong and Stable? This is now a farce, and frightening.

Breaking news…

This blog has been fortunate enough to acquire a section of one of the several draft versions of today’s Queens Speech at the traditional ceremony of much pomp and flatulence, the State Opening of Parliament. We’re not sure how high up the list of drafts towards the final speech this version is but we figure it must be in with a shout….

“My Lords and members of the House of Commons.

My government, whomever they turn out to be, Blue, Red, Bitter Orange, Indigo or a combination of some, or all of them, will, as is the accepted custom, legislate entirely in the interests of the privileged in our country. It will continue to develop a two tier nation approach, making sure working people subsidise the rich, quashing aspiration, crushing the most disadvantaged and using the media to propagate suspicion of minorities, immigrants, the poor, and crucial to their maintenance of control, keep the different parts of our country under the governance of a central power.

My government will continue with its long-term economic plan, acting with untrammelled wanton arrogance, endangering the financial security of the many at every stage of life. They will continue the work of deceiving tax payers into believing that they are bringing public finances under control and reducing the deficit, a deficit and a national debt that they are in fact increasing, under the guise of ensuring that Britain lives within its means. Further to this measures will be introduced to further raise tax relief for the corporate and financial sector, funded from the associated decrease in living standards of the general population.

My government will negotiate the United Kingdom’s withdrawal from the European Union, and once this has been achieved will renegotiate a new relationship between both parties. I don’t have the first clue how they will achieve this successfully, and neither does my government. From the discussions I have had with the current precariously placed Prime Minister on this subject, the last of which being of so traumatic a nature that my dear husband felt the need to retire from public life there and then on the spot, I can only assume that they will attempt to do so by bluff, bluster, by the seat of one’s pants, and via the benevolent auspices of a fair wind.

In preparation for new employment laws being introduced, once all of that workers protections and health and safety cobblers of EU legislation has been scrapped, legislation will be brought forward by my government to help achieve full employment with the increased usage of zero hours contracts, providing more people with low pay, low value, low satisfaction, insecure job. New duties will require my ministers to report annually on the abolition of permanent employment where possible and successes where skilled high salaried profit-reducing employees have been replaced by trainees or a computer App.

My government will continue to legislate for high-speed rail links between the different parts of the country, as far as Newcastle. My government advise me that the Scots don’t ever need to go anywhere fast.

On the subject of Scotland, my government will also bring forward legislation to secure a strong and lasting constitutional settlement, as it is, and as it has existed for over three hundred years. cementing in stone our great Union, re-centralising previously devolved powers which were originally designed to hamstring limited devolved governments, and retaining all powers returned from the European Union, especially regarding fishing and agriculture, to Westminster. This will impact the current temporarily devolved powers in Scotland and Wales. Neither my government nor I have the foggiest idea of how things will turn out on the Island of Ireland as we seem to have messed things up there rather royally (oh dear haha, one referring to one) once again. All we can hope for is that my government’s incompetence and poor judgement does not result in violence.

My government will continue to entirely ignore, pretend to work in cooperation with, or pay lip service to,the devolved administrations on the basis of mutual loathing.

My government will bring forward changes to the standing orders of the House of Commons. These changes will ensure any Member of Parliament with an accent further west than Chester or further north than Coldstream never gets the opportunity to impact decision making in the House of Commons ever again. Currently these changes will not impact any Member of Parliament from our Northern Irish province who is able to utter the phrase ” No Surrender!” My government reserves the right to review this measure as appropriate.

Measures will also be brought forward to further promote extremism through the media and tackle social cohesion and community activism, which my government find to be a real headache. Therefore new legislation will modernise the law on communications data, upgrading spyware to systematically record photographs of cats, granny’s lunch at the new franchised restaurant in the retail park, and young Toby and his mates with condoms on their heads, whilst having a pint at the airport at 7am before flying to Magaluf.

My government will bring forward detailed proposals for a Great British Bill of Reduced Rights. You will be informed of this all in good time, all in good time.

Members of the House of Commons.

Estimates for the public services will be laid before you. You will note once again that there are a few less zeros at the end of the figures listed on this occasion.

Other measures will be laid before you….”

Qui est ce walloper ? A simple tale of incompetence

That’s it underway then, the Brexit process has begun.

We can all relax, eat a cadbury’s caramel, and let out that long slow release of the breath we have been holding in during the tense months leading up to this moment.

Thank goodness we can rely on the UK’s Tory government to do the right thing, and what’s best for its citizens since their overwhelming and outstanding majority win at the polls recently, and, as the BBC keeps telling us, their massive northern victory, sweeping all before them in Scotland, winning every seat, and scattering the separatists in a rout. We can have the utmost confidence in them.

David Davis, finely honed, negotiating skills chiseled to a peak condition of alertness following months of burning the midnight oil in secret mock EU negotiations with Jeremy Paxo and Andrew Neil volunteering to play the parts of evil Johnny Euro, and supplemented by early morning training runs. as the sun is coming up, down the Mall, with the strains of the Rocky theme blaring in his ear, culminating daily in hordes of bewildered tourists taking photos of a strange looking man in an England track suit and a bobble hat jumping up and down with his arms outstretched, Buckingham Palace at his back, facing Europe and chanting “bananas, bananas you can keep your fucking straight bananas”,has been to Brussels and had a preliminary tet-a -tet with Michel Barnier, the chief EU negotiator for the UK’s Brexit divorce.

For months we’ve been hearing about how Britain is going to impose itself upfront and early on in the negotiations to make sure that the right tone is set for the “best possible outcome”.

Davis has previously said that he would be pulling out all the stops to ensure that a two-track process would be put in place where the UK’s exit would be negotiated at the same time as a future post-Brexit deal, a veritable master stroke of British master-planning, cunning and superior intelligence, to ensure the best deal for Britain.

He’s suggested on a number of occasions that he would be steadfast in seeking this outcome, and that if he was challenged on this matter there would be ‘the row of the summer’ something akin to Muhammed Ali and Joe Frazier standing toe to toe knocking lumps out of one another.

Ummm. Nope, none of that happened.

The first meeting is over, the UK having caved in, and Monsieur Barnier in the EU corner is entirely satisfied with the outcome, having only had to mention the G-word (Gibraltar) once, very quietly under his breath, whilst coughing, and very early on in the day, and suddenly a schedule to move forward entirely in line with the EU’s proposals was agreed by a very sweaty surrendering Davis, in as clear a case of overconfidence outstripping actual ability as has been seen since Canute tried to stop the tide coming in.

Michel Barnier said after the meeting that there will be substantial consequences from Brexit and that he was “not in the frame of mind to make concessions or ask for concessions”.

Any deal on a future UK relationship with the EU will be way down the road, after the EU’s major priorities have been dealt with first, the treatment of EU citizens in the UK and UK citizens in the EU, the more than substantial divorce bill, and the treatment of borders, particularly what’s going to happen in Ireland.

Our sources at the EU, who are still pissing themselves laughing, say there is no truth in the rumour that once the lunch-break in negotiations was over, Monsieur Barnier, who was just finishing off his post-meal cognac, seeing that his faithful pet, a poodle known as Marcel, who had been patiently sitting under the negotiating table all morning, needed a comfort break, asked Davis to take the pet out for a quick walk and nonchalantly handed him a plastic bag just in case, just as the Englishman was trotting out compliantly to the government complex’s gardens behind the dog. There is no truth in that rumour at all.

Mercifully though Davis did manage to notice, as the afternoon wore on, that one of Barnier’s aides, who had made the excuse earlier that he had dropped his phone under the table, had in fact tied the UK Brexit Minister’s shoe laces together. Could have been a nasty outcome that, an international incident was thankfully averted.

An obviously relieved that it was all over, and clearly out of his depth, David Davis, in the media conference afterwards, said that the talks had been very productive, but neglected to say for whom.

I suggested in yesterday’s blog that this was likely to be a week where,by the end of it, we’d see the Tories coming over all Churchill, Daily Mail and White cliffs of Dover. We didn’t even manage to get to Tuesday as Davis decided to make reference to the wartime leader in his closing comments to the press, treating them to…….

“As Winston Churchill once said, the pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty. There is a long road ahead, no doubt with many twists and turns, but our destination is clear.”

The only problem is that Churchill never actually said this. Experts reckon this quote has been wrongly attributed to him. The Tories cannae even get that right.

Not a good day for Blighty in Europe. Not a good day at all. Back to the drawing board time for the lads of Eton and the robotic leader. Going into such negotiations with no plan other than to stand in the middle of a meeting room singing Rule Britannia really really loudly doesn’t quite get the job done.

What Davis would have been better saying yesterday, in his closing speech, would have been an appropriate Scottish phrase, a phrase which currently is more salient than anything he did actually say. He should have said ‘never cast a cloot till May is oot’.

If only they’d read that document Nicola Sturgeon sent them…..

Snidey

He just had tae get a wee dig in, didn’t he.

The Lord High Viceroy of North Britain, now hoisted up to the dizzy heights of having assorted part time fitbaw referees, ex naval officers and current navel gazers look up to him as a seasoned stalwart of Scottish political life, heaven help us, the emboldened David Mundell, has been let out of his red, white and blue box again to take yet another swipe at First Minister Nicola Sturgeon.

The man who is thought to spend much of his spare time walking his neighbour’s pet bulldog on a long leash,answering fellow dog walkers polite hellos in the passing with the grumpy sideways response, like Scrooge before his three visitors, “nobody wants another referendum” has suggested that there is no possible way that a referendum on self determination for Scotland could be countenanced at least until 2021.

This whilst his political party is gearing up for two significant events this week. One , the start of the lucky dip that will be the Brexit negotiations, as their clueless and directionless representatives engage in preliminary talks with Monsieur Barnier and his EU colleagues, and two, the damage limitation they may have to start upon later in the week when surely to God the big robotic tin wummin eventually gets the internal vote of no confidence, handed her jotters, and the party spin doctors start spinning some sort of tale about their grand secret plan for Brexit not being in trouble because of a change of leader because it’s so good a plan that it doesn’t matter who leads the country at the time, because we’re British, damn your eyes Frenchy!

The Daily Mail will be invoking Winston Churchill, with pictures of the cliffs at Dover, before the week is out.

This being the case he’d be as well keeping his head down, old Fluffy. lest he gets tarnished by being one of Theresa’s team. There will be a lot of flak flying about shortly, and he’s going to need to practice his ‘I’ve always liked Boris, and or David,’statement in front of the mirror to appear sincere when the time comes, and importantly for him, if he’s going to have any chance of keeping that cushy job of his, now that there’s a choice of Scottish Tories (thanks again Kez).

Snidey wee asides about Nicola Sturgeon immediately after the result of last year’s EU Referendum, organising “grand events at Bute House”‘ are kind of typical of the man.

I think, if Mr Mundell was to cast that great mind of his back to the events immediately after the vote last year he may remember that the main focus of Nicola Sturgeon’s speech to the assembled media in Bute House that day was about the human fallout of the decision, and what she, as leader of Scotland ‘s devolved government, intended to do to assure and protect the hardworking, valued and welcome EU citizens who have chosen to make Scotland their home.

As for his assertion that the First Minister was indulging in a ‘vanity photo’ when she was photographed signing a letter to his insipid leader who does he think he is?

Nicola Sturgeon is the democratically elected leader of the party which the people of Scotland have chosen to be their party of government, both in Scotland, and despite what the BBC says, the majority at Westminster. The man shows nothing but utter disrespect for the parliament of his country and far worse, the people of his country.

Vanity photos? Does he mean like the ones last week of himself and Ruthie, Queen of Scots, sitting on the end of Theresa May’s inner Cabinet team (usually he struggles to even get in the room, and Queen Ruthie isnae even a member of that parliament) , or perhaps he’s thinking of the phoaties of his rapidly departing arse out of the emergency door, rather than speak to the locals, on the day he decided it would be a good idea for a Tory MP to turn up at the opening of a Foodbank.

This mob are in chaos, and the only things that are keeping them together, and in power, are the steadfast backing of the media and their own brass-necks.

Watch what happens though when the back bench knives come out and the Tory government descend into a frenzy of power lust, blame, dodgy dealing and survival mode.

Classic Julius Caesar it won’t be. Carry On style Kenneth Williams “”Infamy, Infamy, they’ve all got it infamy” will be more like it, and surely can’t be too far away.

Chaotic

The Tories are in chaos. The delays caused by their continuing talks with the red-handed bowler hatters are seriously putting the chances of the auld lady of London seeing her choice in the 1.30 at Royal Ascot, Lizzy’s Lad at 12/1, from the stands instead of on a jewelled IPad in an anteroom in the Palace of Westminster, in severe danger.

The wee wummin in the golden pokey hat is said to no’ be very chuffed at the prospect of having to drone through the DUP’s first Queens Speech whilst the gee gees are lining up at starters orders.

The prospect of reading out policy drivel about pledges to round up and intern all Catholics in the north of Ireland with a vowel in their surname, or first name, or even street name, and the banning of the words ‘Mass’ and ‘Gay’ and ‘ Global Warming’ once the party of Irish extremes finishes off their protracted negotiations with the former Westminster government, talks that will ensure that Theresa May and her band of circus clowns will provide an informal confidence and supply arrangement to the British (definitely not Irish) new wagger of the dog, is not filling her majestic-worshipful ness with much enthusiasm.

Meanwhile the main creator of the chaos, the bold strong and stable yin herself, having shut down the annual obscenely wealthy troughing of bankers, wankers and Hedge Fund managers at the Mansion house dinner ( no doubt it will be rearranged soon, when they feel they won’t be criticised for it) has made a flying visit to the site of the horrific tower block fire in London, an incident that has made us all weep at the terrible loss of life this week, as the events unfolded, and the sad toll of those gone or missing rises.

In she pops, gets her phoatie opp with the exhausted and traumatised emergency services, the folk putting it all on the line to help their fellow human beings, doesn’t speak to anyone remotely connected to the victims or local residents, and stoats off again. She just disnae get it, does she?

I shook my head at the comments of our pal, friend of the Indy Movement, (not) Laura Kuenssberg, on the subject, when she said not meeting residents could ” prove to be a miscalculation’ because events like this ” can require real displays of empathy” CAN require Laura? I think what you mean is DO require, and on every occasion, we are talking about the lives of human beings. Theresa May just doesn’t have it in her.

I could never be described as a royalist in any shape or form but you can bet your bottom dollar the aforementioned wee Liz will be up off that priceless throne and down to the hospitals, and on the site of the tragedy when it becomes clear that a visit from her won’t impede the emergency services continuing efforts, and she will talk to the families of the victims and the people who live there. A tragedy of this magnitude is not a political photo opportunity to try and yet again look like you are a strong leader, when the fact is that you are a frighteningly weak one.

Coming up very soon for Theresa is a round table get together with EU Commissioners for the start of the Brexit negotiations…. God save us! Talk about a sinking ship.and no lifeboats!

…. Yet the media still managed to convince some in Scotland that Ruth Davidson and her Scottish shock troops are amazingly somehow not a part of this cauldron of raging incompetence.

Take Indy off the table? Not on your life…. It’s more important now than ever.

Ditch it

Ditch it, stop it now, put it away, end it, get rid of it, take it off the agenda, nobody wants it, we’re fed up hearing about it, your ultra nationalist government never stops talking about it, your media are obsessed with protecting it, the voters have shown democratically since 2014 that they don’t favour it, nobody in Scotland wanted it when it began, apart from those that were coerced or bribed to ensure it was ratified……

Ditch the Union….. Let Scotland be the master of its own destiny once more… as it rightfully should be.

Bewildered

This blog is briefly in suspended animation whilst it’s scribbler…….

(having seen on TV a number of examples of Scottish voters changing their lifetime voting habits to vote Tory at the recent General Election, often for strange and bizarre reasons, and then one such piece where the reporter suggested that the election result in Scotland was “sending Nicola Sturgeon homewards tae think again” (Where does he suggest she goes, back tae Irvine?)

…….gently knocks his head against his padded cell wall as he reflects on what kind of alternative far distant universe anti-Scottish independence propaganda can create when deployed to the level of unrelenting brainwashing.

We’ll be back soon…