The Glorious ‘Global’ UK

Following on from the example set by Trumpet administration spokesgobshite Kellyanne Conway, using an interview to advertise her boss’s daughter’s fashionwear, it was reported today in both the Fort William Bugle and the Kyle of Lochalsh Fishing Times that a kilted (Black Watch tartan to keep on the good side of his idol) David Mundell has taken it upon himself to tour the country (the Highlands, Islands, the Borders and the Faslane fallout zone) atop a London double decker bus extolling the virtues of his beloved leader’s glorious Brexit plan for a “global UK”.

To the strains of Vera Lynn Live at the Albert Hall, recorded in the summer of 1947, the Secretary of State for shortbread tin walloping will hand out free copies of the Radio Times to anyone prepared to listen to him for longer than the amount of time it takes to clear your throat and say the words “Sorry, I’ve left the tap running in the bath, I must be off.”

It is believed Mr Mundell got the idea for his magical mystery tour from the “Spirit of Independence” initiative which prior to the Scottish independence referendum of 2014 saw Chris Law, now an SNPBAD MP, sleekitly drive an old clapped out fire engine around Scotland spreading sedition and separatism amongst the peasants.

Mr Mundell expects to attract a better class than that, and in much greater numbers than any ponytailed Separitista, seeing as everybody knows that the “vast majority of Scots don’t want another referendum”, and he feels that if he keeps repeating that statement over and over again hopefully by some miracle it might be true, or somebody might actually believe him.

To assist Viceroy Mundell (Lord unpronounceable Highland Estate name to be) in his quest to calm the fevered doubting brows of the forelock-tugging Jock and Jockesses he encounters on his travels he will take with him various visual aids.

Amongst these will be a picture board depicting all of the nice things that we can expect to have once those infernal garlic munching Frenchies, Spaniards and Germanic types have been seen off once and for all, like Spam Fritters, the Katie Hopkins Breakfast Show, the Boat Race in black and white, Trooping of the Colour once a fortnight, sugar rationing and a resurgence of rickets.

Like the famed egg man of East Renfrewshire,who carried out a one man milk crate shouty standup routine in 2014, it is expected that this intense level of public face to face consultation will do a lot for Regional Tzar Mundell’s standing within Scotland’s communities.