Alternative Facts

Hard on the heels of the Tweeter of the Free World, in one of his first executive orders, scarily declaring the day of his inauguration as the ‘National Day of Patriotic Devotion” we hear that his new bestie Theresa, in true copy-cat style, is set to declare 31st March in the UK as “National Day of Patronising Devotion’ in honour of that great partnership of equals, the Union that exists between the various countries of the UK.

This date in March being the day by which the UK Prime Minister has committed to triggering Article 50, starting the clock ticking on the UK’s departure from a common trading and justice agreement with a bloc of 27 European partners , it is appropriate that she should choose that day to celebrate all that she sees is great about the Union, the strength of its broad shoulders, and the loving embrace which its partnership nations mutually benefit from.

Henceforth on the 31 March in the streets of the seats of government of the UK there will be guardsmen, pipers and morris dancers tripping over each by the hundred, as the sky fills with red, white and blue contrails, and field guns sound out a salute around the country. Tea will be drank, and revellers will be encouraged to eat jellied eels and spam fritters for lunch. Garlic will officially be a banned substance which will attract on the spot fines for anyone found carrying, or smelling of it.

In this new world era of ‘alternative facts” the government of the UK must be heartily applauded for the sterling work they have put in since last June to ensure that they’ve kept the devolved limited power governments of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland right up to speed, with their fingers on the pulse of every plan and strategy produced when it comes to Brexit.

As Theresa May said at the weekend “ During the 2014 separatist referendum our government at the time made it clear that we wanted Scotland to stay in the UK, and we wanted them to lead. We would have been heartbroken had they left us. We love Scots. They fight wars for us, give us their natural resources, invent things, and carry our golf clubs and hunting rifles. That is why I have ensured that we keep the Scottish government, as well as the Welsh and the Northern Irish, in the picture at all times, and I have included their opinions and views in all of the decisions we have made as equal partners in our splendid union.”

Ms May’s cabinet colleague, the Minister responsible for Brexit, David Davis, further confirmed this when he let it slip to a journalist yesterday that during one of the Joint Ministerial Committee meetings on Brexit he had struggled to get the marker pen and flip chart away from Nicola Sturgeon, who was deep in strategic thought and planning at the time about ways in which the glorious land of Britannia could take most advantage of dumping the Europeans, particularly the Germans.

He joked that he’d twice tried to butt in as the First Minister addressed the meeting on her theme of reliving past glories, and had even switched off the mike when she led the room full of politicians and cabinet officials in a rousing chorus of “ Two World Wars and a World Cup” but she couldn’t be halted. There was no stopping her patriotic ardour. “ We’re all in this together, and take it from me, little Nicki is right in there with us, making Britain great again” said Mr Davis.

Since the Prime Minister’s speech on Brexit last week no further public mention has been made of the alternative proposals for Brexit which the government of Scotland published before Christmas.

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson was asked about this in parliament yesterday by one of his reddish tinged colleagues from across the floor and made it known that the Scotch had withdrawn the document, having seen the error of their ways. Mr Johnson also announced that as part of the enhanced transatlantic “special relationship’ with the new Washington administration that he, Michael Gove, Liam Fox and Special Envoy Farage are off to Las Vegas shortly for a summit about “erm… something or other.”

Speaking specifically of Scotland Mr Johnson, eyes glistening with tears, noted “ It’s great at last to see that the Scots have turned their backs on nationalism in favour of what’s right for us all, patriotism.”

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