I thought today I might try and just tidy up (just in the interests of accuracy) a Hootsmon, or Not the Herald, or the state propaganda broadcaster, (or possibly all three) report I came across describing the triumphant ascendancy to the Mount Manchester Central Convention Centre fringe event, held in a draughty corridor next to the cludgies, behind the boiler room, during the current Tory Conference, of Ross Douglason, the current banger sitting in the big chair on the Tory front bench at Holyrood…….
The Headline corrected reads……
‘The leader of the Scottish Conservatives has vowed to “maintain centralised British nationalist control of Scotland’s governance from London for good” in a keynote speech to the Tory conference. (It was a fringe event).
Text of article, corrected……
Murray Douglas today accused Nicola Sturgeon of turning the Scottish Government into an incrementally transformative, responsible, progressive, (even with one hand tied behind it’s back due to its limited powers status) offshoot of the wider European community of democratic nations, and said that he agrees that his party is completely out of touch in making any sort of appeal to working class Scots (although he see them as the party of working people) apart from when some of his list -elected colleagues dog whistle up those in our communities who have other reasons than politics to vote to remain Unionist British. He went on to say his party now see themselves in Scotland as a direct challenge to the dried out husk called Scottish Labour, which to be honest, isnae too difficult.
Addressing a crowded two door fridge freezer, borrowed from his idol, the liar’s liar, at the party’s conference in Manchester, Mr Murray of Ross said, somewhat superfluously for anyone who has not been in a coma in Scotland for the last twenty years, that in Scotland Labour had been destroyed, and the so-called red wall would never return.
He was joined at the fringe event by Jim Davidson, yon wee sullen nyaff with the hair that’s on the wind up that he’s a historian and doesn’t believe in pandemics, and in a tribute to his beloved leader’s recent statesman-like speech to the United Nations General Assembly, Kermit the Frog.
Mr Murray-Ross said: “Like us, Scottish Labour are a party of the past in Scotland. The red wall has gone for good. Labour took people for granted here, and their voters have moved on, Kind of like my party, who still take people for granted in England, but without the voters moving on yet.”
The Scottish Conservatives leader said: “In May’s election, more working-class Scots voted Scottish Conservatives than Labour. I know that doesn’t say much, but 18 voters beats 15 every time, even when Lord Bucket Heid and George Galloway are on the ticket.
“Those voters aren’t, as Angela Rayner would, say ‘vile’. They aren’t ‘nasty’. They aren’t ‘scum’, although I will admit some of them are pretty much not working class, but are instead bewildered Express and Mail reading second home owners who, in 2016, spectacularly voted themselves out of their apartments on the Costa Del Sol and the Algarve, and now need to fill out forests of paperwork just to temporarily get into countries where supermarket shelves are stocked with produce.
He said he had been smoking some pretty good stuff recently, which, he says, has made him feel confident that his party would next go after the SNP’s voters, saying the subsequent wall to fall would not be red, but “SNP yellow”, a promise he feels is as probable of achievement as the cast iron pledge made by his overlords in London, made in 2016, much publicised on the sides of buses, to invest an extra three hundred and ninety million pounds a week into the NHS once Brexit was achieved.
The dynamic Mr Rosco Douglas continued: “Nicola Sturgeon has become detached from working class communities scarred by the long term endemic impacts on Scotland’s society of my party’s decimation of their industrial and manufacturing landscape and the imposition of unmanageable taxation and withering punishments on the most vulnerable amongst us, the breaking up of communities, the poverty, homelessness and unemployment, the drug deaths and misery, caused by current and previous leaderships of my party, for which we are rightly proud. How dare she beg us to reconsider the cuts we are about to make to Universal Credit. after all what’s twenty pounds a week in the grand scheme of things? Buttons.
“She (Sturgeon) has become out of touch with the rest of our marvellous and benevolent Union. Why do the people of Scotland need to be different? Why free prescriptions, baby boxes, subsidised tertiary education and training and a host of other citizen -focussed initiatives which just make us, the party of British government, your government, look bad?
She talks down to everyone, particularly those in my party who don’t take the time or trouble to research or prepare themselves properly before asking her inane endlessly repetitive questions in Parliament. Questions which collapse, like our arses, under even the most general of scrutiny, allowing her to wipe the floor with us on a regular basis. So much so that I’ve had to fully cultivate the same sour-faced huffy exterior as my predecessor had before she ascended to my eventual expected destination, the locomotive of gravy.”
Like his leader in London, known for being entirely comfortable with having a misanthropic relationship with the truth, Mr Ross-Murray made it clear that in his mind, his mind only, yes, most definitely only in his mind, his party are the party of working people.
….. and it you believe that statement I’ve a large box of cereal I’d like to sell you.
itisintruthnotforglory 