Naw, that’s it, we’re finished. The independence dream is over.
Mon now, everybody, form up in two lines. Ladies get intae the kitchens, get the plain flour oot, the mixing bowl spinning in yer hands, and The Archers on the wireless, before bathing the weans in front of the fire and having some fresh water ready for him you promised to obey, to wash off the grime of daily toil, and something nice in the oven from your saved up ration coupons for tea.
Gents you get back tae the fields,or stand in loose groupings in the carpark of your local retail park, where the factories, foundries and mills used to be, in the pishing rain, and try and look like you are useful. Don’t worry though, you’ll have your cloth bunnet on yer head tae keep ye nice and dry, and miserable. If somebody wearing a suit passes by that disnae look like he’s fae the Co-op undertakers mind and tug your forelock.
The party’s over. All of that independence nonsense is not for us. instead we are going back to the 1950’s. Coal dust induced emphysema anyone?
The continuing onslaught of media bombardments linking the complaints against Alex Salmond and the fortunes of the independence movement have done for us, have killed our cause.(No offence to the alleged victims, who as a very minimum requirement should expect their complaints to be fully investigated, and their identities protected, as should have Salmond until the investigation had reached its conclusion, but Pol Pot never got this level of extended media attention).
Our journey is over. We are bedraggled and we are defeated.
After what only be described as a blood-fight struggle akin to two elderly ladies, who have been friends since school days, deciding which one is paying the bill for two teas, a jammy doughnut and a caramel shortcake at Jenny’s Team Room,it’s finished.
The great internal independence civil war of 2018 ‘The Steak Bake conflict’ (named after the initial incident which kicked off the widespread hostilities when two SNP activists found themselves in Greggs in Kirkcaldy at lunchtime on Thursday and both insisted that the other have the last remaining Steak Bake in the heated display cabinet) is over. A fragile cease fire is in place.
This after a weekend of mayhem and destruction all over Scotland as the large plumes of smoke billowing into the sky over Falkirk town centre, believed initially to be Bonnybridge Volunteer Militia & UFO Spotters artillery shelling of the town, turned out to be just a pensioners bus trip to the E- Cigarette and Bingo Emporium by the steeple, only one of thousands of incidents of conflict reported by our imbedded reporters on the scene around the country.
Things took a turn for the worse for a while before the ceasefire when wee Brian Taylor of the state broadcaster propaganda department decided to intervene in a kind of cross between Boutros Boutros-Ghali and an Oompa Loompa type peace envoy role. Taylor through his usual forum issued a decree that the conflict should henceforth be downgraded from a civil war to just a turmoil.
However the parties engaged in the belligerence of which he was writing wurnae quite sure what the difference was between a civil war and a turmoil and just carried on pelting each other with mouldy tawtie scones and molten shells loaded with last Monday’s stovies anyway.
Taylor went on to describe a description of an ordinary SNP branch meeting last week where the Salmond complaints had left those in attendance ‘unsure, uncertain what to say or do’.
That scene as Taylor describes it conjures up in my imagination a scout hall full of adult human beings wandering randomly and aimlessly round the room bumping into each other, or feeling their way along the walls unable to find the door out, mumbling desperately to themselves phrases like ‘Oh no, Alex Salmond in not here to tie my shoelaces, how will I survive?’ and ‘We’re doomed now, we don’t have a Plan B!”
Aye right. The Scottish agencies of the British media can keep this up until the day they’ll have to dig up a hologram of Roy Castle announcing a new record breaker of the longest continuous story in media reporting but it will make not a jot of difference to the continuing journey to our destination, self-government.
Alex Salmond does not have a patent pending on Scottish Independence. The return of Scotland to its rightful state as an independent nation does not in any way depend on the fortunes of one individual.
The ‘civil war’ that never was might have been downgraded, but if you are sceptical just wait to see what we will be mobilising for next, and it’s coming soon.