The Conference Call

Early January 2016. The daily breakfast conference call linking three separate locations around central Scotland…..

Ruth Davidson: “Good morning troops. How are we all on this beautiful British morning?”

Kezia Dugdale: “I’m fine and dandy Ruth. Let me be entirely crystal clear about that, and I back Jeremy Corbyn to the hilt. Right between the shoulder-blades.”

Ruth Davidson: “Cosmic, and how are you Wullie? “

Willie Rennie: “Hiya hens. I’m having a boiled egg and marmite sojers.”

Ruth Davidson: “Good, good. So, what are we working on this morning?”

Kezia Dugdale: “Well I think today we’ll get her on the Health Service.”

Ruth Davidson: “Great. What are the papers and the BBC saying?”

Kezia Dugdale: “There’s a big splash about health and social care, and bed blocking being dangerous for the health of Scots, and it’s all their fault. They missed a couple of NHS targets by a few percentage points too. She’s getting it tight.”

Ruth Davidson: “ Excellent. What’s Twitter reporting?”

Kezia Dugdale; “The Red Cross are saying that there is a humanitarian disaster brewing in the English NHS and the people of the European Union are thinking of starting an urgent appeal to help.”

Ruth Davidson: “Ummm. What’s the SNP line?”

Kezia Dugdale: “She’s putting in 107 million pounds to boost the integration of health and social care services in Scotland. Which will help to open up more residential care places, improve home care, and reduce the pressure for health service beds. Oh, and their performance on just about all NHS standards is way better than previous Scottish governments and the rest of the UK.”

Ruth Davidson: “Ok. We can dismiss both of those. Anybody reporting them will only make mention in the small print at the bottom of the page. The punters never read that far down. It’s the headlines and the first couple of paragraphs that matter. What are you going to say publicly about it Kez?

Kezia Dugdale: “I’m going to say that enough is enough. It’s time to put the independence question to bed for good, not just for 2017. What about you Ruth?”

Ruth Davidson: “ I think I’m going to say that she is obsessed with the independence question, and urge her to get on with the ‘day job’ First Minister. Wullie, what are you going to say?”

Willie Rennie: “ Is it three minutes or four to boil an egg?”

Ruth Davidson: “ Ooft. Any ideas for tomorrow gang?”

Kezia Dugdale: “ I think it’s going to snow, so we can have another go at Humza Yousaf. “

Ruth Davidson: “That’s a good idea. Looking at the roster it’s just about his turn again anyway. Wullie, what do you think?”

Willie Rennie: “ I think this is a double yoker. I love yokey eggs.”