Another phoney war


Fear not, dear friends, as the thunderous roar of the gathering storm builds dramatically over dear Alba yet again!

Peace (or several chopped-ham-and-pork and tamata peeces) is, or are, not in any grave danger, as the Scottish unionist media, consistent to a fault, herald in the next instalment of the entirely false and manufactured #SNPCIVILWAR.

This is yet another attempt to try and eviscerate the independence movement by conjuring up some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, and another blatant attempt to pull the red, white and blue wool over the eyes of their readerships and their viewing public.
Like a mob of jealous children in the school playground goading two close friends into a square-go the miserable hacks of tomorrow’s chip shop wrappings, and the channels we used to watch before Netflix, are trying to set First Minister against former First Minister, citing factional sources of a locked horns rammy of near catastrophic proportions.
I have some news for them. This tactic has never worked for you before, and it certainly isnae going to work for you this time either. If you looking for a real storm and a catastrophe taking place I would suggest that you turn around and face yourselves in a southerly direction.
Meanwhile, as always happens in these situations the massed ranks of Scottish Indy folk have resorted to their usual light hearted response to such nonsense, belying our reputation, a reputation given to us by the likes of the Daily Hate Mail, The Depress, and The Hootsman, as nasty Nats.
Therefore as of midnight last night the uneasy truce and ceasefire called after the last conflict is aff.

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, pick your sides. Anyone looking for vegan sausage rolls bring them yerselves, Wee Jinty in Condorrat says she knows where they keep the key tae the warehouse where they store aw the Outlander costume clobber, and has suggested that the first one in with an offer of a place on “Love Island” gets the info.
Up and down the country today fortifications are being prepared (patriots, on both sides of the civil war, in places like Duns and Eyemouth please note that the rules of war state that at this stage your sandbags should still continue to be placed facing only north of the town for a few months yet).

Tatties, ingins, gravy, square sausage and a gallon of HP sauce are being industrially stewed intae a central mush in a hut somewhere around Auchterarder for distribution as provisions (like the Viet Cong and their dried rice) to the many roving patrols around the battle zone, much against the will of some of the leaders of the conflict, who fear that freedom fighters carrying half a stane of stovies about their person are in danger of drowning should they encounter a burn or gently flowing river in the dark.
Already some of the regiments who fought so bravely in the last conflict, some having taken many casualties due to out of date Co-op pies, allergies to the new formula for Irn Bru and typhoid, have recalled their troops to barracks. By nightfall, anticipating the call to arms, the Star Bar on the Fife coast was overrun by elements of the 1st battalion of the Methil Mounted Horseguard. This followed a skirmish which demonstrated much of the horrific acts of previous SNP civil wars (a bit of singing, some pipe tunes, a scarcity of scampi fries by 9 o clock, and wee Tam the barman getting sent to the cellar tae change the lager barrel).
Who knows how this will end. During the last conflict it became clear that the despicable introduction of night time carpet-bombing of major towns, cities, and Bonnybridge, with real carpets,was a deciding factor in bringing both sides to the armistice table.

Let’s hope there is no need by either side to resort to the banned practice of mortar shelling deep fried cheese and ingin pizzas in aboot the front line trenches of their opposing forces. As many of you will be aware this practice was banned following an intervention by the United Nations Security Council during the last SNP civil war due to the toxic and deadly calorific values involved.
Dear Scottish unionist media. SNP civil war? Where? Really?


2 thoughts on “Another phoney war

  1. I would proffer pepperoni as a substitute for the cheese and ingin missiles , these have the mahoosive ability to cause horrible heartburn if ingested accidentally during bombing


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