“Haud the bus, haud the bus” said wee Davie the Viceroy of Scotland fae oot beside the coos and sheep and the big hairy border fermers.

“Calm doon” says Davie, as he’s trying on his Ermine cloak (he reckons if Ruth Davidson can get away wae fancy dress so can he).

” Whit yeez aw gettin yer kilts in a fankle aboot? Any money that magically appears tae bribe the political wing of the 17th century’s answer tae Pol Pot will also have tae be found for Scotland, it’s part ae the Barnett calculation deal intit. I guarantee it, on my word as a mason. Straight up, nae kiddin, Scotland will get weighed in. ”

“It’ll compensate for the fact that 10 Northern Irish politicians who think being gay is a sin that attracts the burning fire, kind of like being a Roman Catholic, that global warming is a confidence trick invented by the polar bear loving Eyak tribe of Alaska, and that dinosaurs used tae chase Adam and Eve around the ancient forests, will have more control over decisions about Scotland’s future than the people of Scotland will” says Davie.

How much are these anti- progressive fringe extremists getting in exchange for propping up your frighteningly incompetent government then Davie?

” Oh, about 1.5 billion pounds.”

Is that the same taxpayers money that voters the other week who wanted investment in the NHS, housing and public services were told by Theresa May that doesn’t exist because she “doesn’t have a magic money tree”?

” Uuuum, yes, but…….”

So in reality following this Barnett formula how much more money for public services will Scotland get as a result of this sleazy deal Davie?

” Nil, niente, the middle of a
doughnut, nuthin”.

The honourable thing to do would be to resign. Will he do it? No chance. There’s a warm seat in the Lords with his name on it.


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