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This blog has been fortunate enough to acquire a section of one of the several draft versions of today’s Queens Speech at the traditional ceremony of much pomp and flatulence, the State Opening of Parliament. We’re not sure how high up the list of drafts towards the final speech this version is but we figure it must be in with a shout….

“My Lords and members of the House of Commons.

My government, whomever they turn out to be, Blue, Red, Bitter Orange, Indigo or a combination of some, or all of them, will, as is the accepted custom, legislate entirely in the interests of the privileged in our country. It will continue to develop a two tier nation approach, making sure working people subsidise the rich, quashing aspiration, crushing the most disadvantaged and using the media to propagate suspicion of minorities, immigrants, the poor, and crucial to their maintenance of control, keep the different parts of our country under the governance of a central power.

My government will continue with its long-term economic plan, acting with untrammelled wanton arrogance, endangering the financial security of the many at every stage of life. They will continue the work of deceiving tax payers into believing that they are bringing public finances under control and reducing the deficit, a deficit and a national debt that they are in fact increasing, under the guise of ensuring that Britain lives within its means. Further to this measures will be introduced to further raise tax relief for the corporate and financial sector, funded from the associated decrease in living standards of the general population.

My government will negotiate the United Kingdom’s withdrawal from the European Union, and once this has been achieved will renegotiate a new relationship between both parties. I don’t have the first clue how they will achieve this successfully, and neither does my government. From the discussions I have had with the current precariously placed Prime Minister on this subject, the last of which being of so traumatic a nature that my dear husband felt the need to retire from public life there and then on the spot, I can only assume that they will attempt to do so by bluff, bluster, by the seat of one’s pants, and via the benevolent auspices of a fair wind.

In preparation for new employment laws being introduced, once all of that workers protections and health and safety cobblers of EU legislation has been scrapped, legislation will be brought forward by my government to help achieve full employment with the increased usage of zero hours contracts, providing more people with low pay, low value, low satisfaction, insecure job. New duties will require my ministers to report annually on the abolition of permanent employment where possible and successes where skilled high salaried profit-reducing employees have been replaced by trainees or a computer App.

My government will continue to legislate for high-speed rail links between the different parts of the country, as far as Newcastle. My government advise me that the Scots don’t ever need to go anywhere fast.

On the subject of Scotland, my government will also bring forward legislation to secure a strong and lasting constitutional settlement, as it is, and as it has existed for over three hundred years. cementing in stone our great Union, re-centralising previously devolved powers which were originally designed to hamstring limited devolved governments, and retaining all powers returned from the European Union, especially regarding fishing and agriculture, to Westminster. This will impact the current temporarily devolved powers in Scotland and Wales. Neither my government nor I have the foggiest idea of how things will turn out on the Island of Ireland as we seem to have messed things up there rather royally (oh dear haha, one referring to one) once again. All we can hope for is that my government’s incompetence and poor judgement does not result in violence.

My government will continue to entirely ignore, pretend to work in cooperation with, or pay lip service to,the devolved administrations on the basis of mutual loathing.

My government will bring forward changes to the standing orders of the House of Commons. These changes will ensure any Member of Parliament with an accent further west than Chester or further north than Coldstream never gets the opportunity to impact decision making in the House of Commons ever again. Currently these changes will not impact any Member of Parliament from our Northern Irish province who is able to utter the phrase ” No Surrender!” My government reserves the right to review this measure as appropriate.

Measures will also be brought forward to further promote extremism through the media and tackle social cohesion and community activism, which my government find to be a real headache. Therefore new legislation will modernise the law on communications data, upgrading spyware to systematically record photographs of cats, granny’s lunch at the new franchised restaurant in the retail park, and young Toby and his mates with condoms on their heads, whilst having a pint at the airport at 7am before flying to Magaluf.

My government will bring forward detailed proposals for a Great British Bill of Reduced Rights. You will be informed of this all in good time, all in good time.

Members of the House of Commons.

Estimates for the public services will be laid before you. You will note once again that there are a few less zeros at the end of the figures listed on this occasion.

Other measures will be laid before you….”

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