The curious case of Theresa and the magic mushrooms

New reports have emerged regarding the events during the working dinner last week between Prime Minister Theresa May and EC Commissioner Jean-Claude Juncker.

It appears that a leaked transcript of their conversation, over a meal of English mushroom roulade, pigeon pie and Spotted Dick, arrived mysteriously at the office of the popular Liechtenstein daily newspaper The Bugle in an unmarked envelope.

The following is an extract of the conversation……..

Theresa May : “Ah Jean-Claude, Isn’t life wonderful? I think we’re going to make this Brexit thingy a real red, white and blue success, don’t you?”

Jean-Claude Juncker: ” Pardon me Theresa. A success you say? Your country is leaving a very successful and lucrative free trading market of 500 million potential customers for your goods and services. I don’t understand?”

Theresa May: “Let me explain. On 8th June, during our Great British Vote Off, my obvious strength and stability as a strong and stable leader will shine through and win the backing of the wonderful people of my precious Union, and I expect this strength and stability will fool enough of the underclass to vote for us too. Victory will give me a very strong and stable position when it comes to driving a hard bargain with you chappies in Brussels. Just you wait and see. So if I was you I’d just play ball with us.”

Jean-Claude Juncker: ” No, I’m terribly sorry Theresa, you’ve completely lost me.I don’t understand.”

Theresa May: “Oh Jean-Claude, you foreign johnnies really can be a bit dense. I’m likely to be returned as Prime Minister with a considerable majority. This will strengthen and stabilise my bargaining position. We will be able to avoid paying the dues we previously committed to to leave the EU, we can give you your ghastly citizens back without any detriment to our ‘expat’ retirees, who will be protected in their villas, and then you’ll agree to anything Boris, David and I ask for by way of a trade agreement. Our green and pleasant land will have a deal as good as being a member state without us having to agree to freedom of movement or paying for the privilege. A great plan, wouldn’t you say?”

Jean-Claude Juncker: ” And you think this will happen because the people of South Thanet and Cleethorpes will add a few hundred more votes for you to the election outcome?”

Theresa May: ” Oh yes, of course. I’ll be in an invincible position of power, stability and strength. You’ll surrender immediately, our negotiations will be a breeze, and we’ll be home for tea and mince pies by Christmas.”

Jean-Claude Juncker (bewildered) : “Pass the brandy would you? It’s going to be a long night.”

Upon the widespread release of the transcript of this meeting Prime Minister Theresa May, out once again meeting the people, in a large derelict and condemned engineering factory, was asked by the BBC if she would like to comment on its accuracy. The Prime Minister responded by suggesting that this was not her recollection of events. In fact Ms May went further by stating that she couldn’t actually recall meeting with Commissioner Juncker last week.

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