We hear a rumour that London Prime Minister Theresa May, struck by the negative comments made about her triumphal procession into North Britain (toeing recently dropped rose petals out of her path with her claw as she goes) and hurt that the general public of Scotland would even dare to suggest that she would rather clear the insides of her sinuses out with a rusty drillbit than talk to them, has decided to do what she demonstrably (one of the very few things that she can prove) has done before, flip flop. The lady is for turning.
Having managed to remove the latch from the door and escape from the broom cupboard Tory campaign chief Sir Lynton Crosby had been keeping her in, with strict instructions to keep her gub shut for six weeks (this being the best strategy the Tories could come up with to ensure an increased majority at Westminster) Ms May is set to relaunch her campaign, embarking on an ‘open door, town hall,chat over a sugary bun’ type of whistle stop tour in the run up to the hastily arranged General Election. The Westminster Prime Minister is going to meet the people.
No more will she travel, Kim Jong-un-like, with rent-a-crowd, her own little gathering of tory activists transported around the country to be arranged and re-arranged around her like a DreamWorks special effects crowd scene. No more will she present her detailed strong and stable manifesto policies, both of them, before an audience of three-line-whipped employees of a local company owned by a prominent Tory, meeting in the middle of a forest. No none of that, not for Theresa. She has courage in her convictions and is eager to go toe to toe with anyone to promote her government’s plans, and convince voters that the future is the future and it is a red, white and blue future.
Ms May is keen to take the bull by the horns. Champing at the bit, she’s going to have another go at convincing the people of Scotland that their best interests are served by building a huge wall around the coastline of the UK, sniggering at people with foreign sounding names, and making farting noises at passing French trawlers. With this in mind she’s going straight into the lions den.
First up a huge campaign rally has been arranged for what has been identified as an inner city key marginal constituency surrounding the Sule Skerry Lighthouse, lying 60 kilometres to the west of Orkney. The small landmass is treeless, which campaign organisers say is ideal as this will allow more room for the ‘ silent majority’ to attend, those who really want to let the separatists know that their extremist views are breaking up families, ending friendships, and putting our precious Union in mortal danger.
In answer to recent criticism in Scotland of Tory election ‘meet the people’ events, which has alleged that local residents have been barred from entry, party officials have made it clear that local puffins and gannets will be allowed entry to the rally, as long as they can prove they are not non-UK EU citizens currently residing in Scotland.
As she is anxious to ensure that her message is widely disseminated to all voters Ms May was happy to hear that the British Broadcasting Corporation’s Glasgow branch are sending two outside broadcast units to the event, one to film her speech, the other to capture Ruth Davidson and David Mundell’s sycophancy in real time ‘live’. Cameramen are hoping the weather, which can be unpredictable in the area, stays fine, to ensure that their broadcasting output from the rally is strong and stable.
Members of Her Majesty’s loyal media, widely selected to ensure a cross section of opinion of the event is reported, from The Mail, The Express, The Telegraph and The Scotsman, will be circling the event in a fishing boat, hoping to cover all angles.
No more will mischief makers be able to accuse the Conservative government of news manipulation, or of using crass repetitious headlines to mask policy inadequacies or disgraceful austerity plans that would outrage any average human being with a heart and a conscience, or of charging around the country not speaking to anyone other than a fake audience to ensure that she avoids all levels of debate, or of even just being unable to respond to the comment ‘Look everybody, the Empress is not wearing any clothes’.
Tory Britain 2017 = Absolute contempt for voters and the control and manipulation of news reporting. A very dangerous and slippery slope.
It’s time to say Yes to an independent Scotland folks. Vote SNP on 8th June.