Dear people of Scotland
We thought this might be an opportune moment to write to you again following our first letter of 03 February 2017.
As you aware we have very recently launched a hurried snap General Election.
Having a keen eye on the polls we see this as a way of taking overwhelming political advantage at Westminster over a weak opposition clearly in disarray.
As for your puny little representation, their guttural ramblings representing you, they don’t matter, You may not be aware of it but our system of governance is designed to make sure, in terms of important decision-making for our great Union, that you do not have a say. We will make sure it stays that way.
I reiterate to you that you are delusional if you think we are going to let you go. No other regions of the UK act like you. There is no use you persisting in this tiresome nonsense it’s a waste of energy, energy you should be conserving to ensure that you are able to be useful in continuing to create wealth for us.
The question of Scottish independence was settled by the referendum in 2014, You overwhelmingly voted to give us carte blanche to continue to do exactly what we want with your land, what once, many years ago, might loosely have been described as a country, no matter what has happened since.
Yes, it’s true, three hundred odd years ago we stacked the deck, made threats and nobbled a few of your nobles to ensure that we could absorb you. You can’t blame us, we needed to, for the sake of our security under threat of invasion, but hey we’ve given you the leftovers from our plate ever since, haven’t we? No need for thanks.
You are part of us, the United Kingdom. For easiness in conversation when on holiday abroad though, you should just keep telling people you are from England. Foreigners recognise that. Pretty soon in fact everyone will recognise it, when they see that we are back on the world stage. Up with the big boys.
Stop expending effort on something that will never happen. We have control, we will maintain control, and It is essential that we do, to ensure that our long established channels for dividing wealth the way we want to continues, as we have done for generations.
As we said in our last letter blessed are the wealth creators, us. We deserve to keep our privileged positions in society. We deserve the vast wealth we inherited from others like us, or that we accumulated at your expense, as a reward for our cunning and singlemindedness. We didn’t get here by accident you know. Humanity and conscience are weaknesses which we have exploited in you.
As we wrote before what would be the benefit of giving you control over your own destiny, your own natural resources, your own land, your own assets, your own finances? You’d only squander it all on looking after each other.
You don’t need an excellent standard of health care, we do. You don’t need a high quality education system designed to give those it educates a passkey to untold opportunity and advantage, we do. You don’t need a beneficial social framework that ensures that your financial commitments are met, we do.
You don’t matter. We do. It has always been so. In fact we are surprised you let us continue to get away with it but there you go, it’s amazing what constantly reinforcing a sense of shared tradition, a bit of pomp and patronage, and a well-versed media propaganda system can do to keep us in the manner we are accustomed to. Most of you don’t even know that it is happening.
There are many of you, you are interchangeable, expendable, and you are there for one purpose, as is the United Kingdom itself, to facilitate the ongoing transfer of wealth to us. That is why we always describe our Union as ‘ precious’,to us.
As for all of that cultural nonsense, forget it. You don’t have a language or a specific culture. Goodness knows what that pidgin English nonsense is that most of you jabber at each other. but it is certainly not a separate language from the Queen’s English, so don’t try to make out that it is.
As for that other Irish-like language some of your more remote and backward country people spoke, we got rid of that, with them, to the colonies, to countries now ‘old friends’ our soon to be important trading partners once again. Sheep were cheaper to keep on your land, and less problematic. Our culture is your culture. Get with the Empire 2. 0 programme Jock, a small number of you stand to make a fortune if you stick with us.
Forget all of this talk of self-determination. It’s just making you unsettled. We are at the dawn of a golden era. We are about to re-establish ourselves in the new world order. We may be small in size, which is another reason we need you, but we have power, and we have powerful friends, probably on a scale not seen for many years, as long as we keep them happy. We will use this power to our advantage though, not yours.
As in previous generations, your sons and daughters will be sent into foreign lands, admittedly some may not return, to gather yet more wealth for us. You may, or may not, benefit from this by association to us, but you can take pride in the knowledge that your children have done what you and your insignificant forefathers have done in the past, protected us.
Have we made ourselves clear? Splendid. Now shut up and get back to work.
One last thing. Your ineffectual House of Commons mouthpiece, laughably described as a ‘Deputy Leader ‘ suggests. in that whining accent most of you have, that our dynamic Prime Minister is ‘feart” whatever that means, because she will not debate face-to-face the issues that will influence voter preferences in the above mentioned General Election.
I would reiterate to you that the way we have constructed the political system of our ‘precious’ Union it doesn’t matter whether the Prime Minister or a bar of soap take part in a debate as we will retain control anyway, and when we return with a larger majority we have some interesting plans developing to cut costs concerning the weak and discarded.
We can hardly contain our enthusiasm too for our upcoming programme of review and repeal of former European laws and the rights of working people. Watch this space.
Yours in perpetual union in our great family of nations.
The British State
P.S. (Keep the money rolling in).
Dear British State
Thank you for your letter. As we wrote in our letter to you of 21 March 2017 you have left us with no choice. Your days of using us a means to retain your power and prosperity are numbered.
We have been together for some years now, during which time we have patiently put up with your domineering attitude, your arrogance and self-centred behaviour.
However, we need to tell you that you stifle us, you criticise any ideas that we have, you make fun of our aspirations and opinions. You use our things without asking us, like they are your own, and then you never put them back, break them or just lose them. You have no respect for us, as is obvious by your letter, or anything that is ours.
You’ve always been obsessed with flags and stirring up conflict, and you enjoy making threats. We let that go, but lately things have gotten worse, oh so much worse.
We’ve tried our best to make this relationship work, particularly recently when you’ve been chasing our friends away. Your aggression and near racism towards them worries us. You are increasingly becoming a bully.
We’ve tried to make sure that we keep talking,keeping channels open. trying to find common ground between us, with no success. We have bent over backwards to be reasonable but even the one or two close neighbours you tolerate have noticed the change in your behaviour.
You promised us that you wouldn’t make any drastic moves that may affect our relationship without consulting us first, yet you just sneer at us when we ask a question. You haven’t been returning our calls.
We then found out from watching the TV news that you have set a date to begin removing us, against our will, from our friends and neighbours, isolating and stifling us, threatening our livelihoods and futures.
That news finished it for us, and, to top that off, having told us recently to go away, that now is not the time to consider our uncertain future, you have suddenly decided it is time for you to try, in that warped selfish way that you do, to take advantage of us further for your own benefit, and to our detriment. This is an abusive relationship, which must end.
We’ll put all of your stuff in black bags for you to pick up on 9th June, you don’t have much. From that date onwards we’ll be commencing divorce proceedings, however long that may take.
You are supposed to be grown-ups You should really act as such. It’s not a game you know. You don’t need overwhelming power to try and impress or bully others. Behaviours which demonstrate a caring and compassionate nature are far more impressive than threats.
Also, we’ve arranged a re-direct of your mail, for all of those bills you’ve been mounting up, the ones you’ve been telling everybody are our responsibility, down at your private clubs, where you regularly blurt out to all and sundry that we couldn’t survive without you, that you subsidise our incomes.
Thankfully many of us now realise that it is in fact us who, for many years, have been propping you up, and paying for your champagne lifestyle. More are opening their eyes every day. You have even borrowed heavily using valuable assets of ours as collateral, and still plan, if we were to let you, to use our resources as bargaining chips to get your own way with others. No. No more.
Enjoy your new life on your own. Try not to hurt yourselves too badly when you are cutting your noses off to spite your faces. Also, try to learn to trust others instead of using them, or being suspicious of them. Love is better than hate. Looking after the many instead of preserving the privilege of the few is our future. We’ve got plans, big plans.
The people of Scotland
P. S ( Watch out for that bottom step on the way out, it’s loose).