Nobody wants one

Nicola Sturgeon, in the spirit of the promotion of respectful, grown-up and mature political debate about the future of Scotland, decides to invite the leaders of the Axis of Union at Holyrood round for an informal relaxed downtime dinner.

She also invites David Mundell, however he decides not to come because “we will not be entering into discussions or negotiations about a section 30 agreement and any request at this time will be declined,”and his fingers are wedged in his lug holes.

The doorbell rings, Nicola puts down a tray of Lasagne she’s just taken out of the oven, wipes her hands on a towel, and goes to the front door.

Through the frosted glass she sees the shapes of the three amigos, Tankgirl, Crystal Clear Kez, and Wee Wullie Rennie.

Opening the door she warmly greets her guests” Come in, come in. It’s good to see you all”. As she hands out glasses of wine she says ” I hope you are all hungry because I’ve made loads?”

Ruth Davidson: (Pointing) “Sit down. Would the First Minister accept that there is simply no appetite for this?”

Kezia Dugdale: (Nodding in agreement) “None at all. Nobody in Scotland wants it, now or ever.”

Wee Wullie Rennie: “Can I have a Crunch Corner?”

Nicola Sturgeon: “I’ve made Lasagne with some garlic bread for main course. Now is anyone vegetarian?”

Kezia Dugdale ” You simply do not have a mandate for this. You are obsessed with breaking up our union and dividing our country.”

Ruth Davidson ” I’ve told you once already, sit down. We should be sticking together, getting right behind the Prime Minister. Oh for the days of good old steak and kidney pudding, treacle tart and the Suez Crisis. You are putting our well developed Brexit plans in danger with your arrogant obstructiveness and flirting with foreign foodstuffs. Nobody wants a referendum.”

Wee Wullie Rennie “Have you got the ones with the wee toffee bits in them. I love them?”

Nicola Sturgeon: ” I thought this would be a good chance for us to get together away from work, and not talk shop. We’re all going to be very busy soon so it would be good to relax and recharge the batteries a wee bit. Just for once. Now, who’s for French Onion Soup?”

Ruth Davidson: ” My goodness, you are obsessed with this. The country is weary of your separatist nonsense. Just when we are leading the UK into a period of certain glory on a wing of patriotic fervour you are bringing about huge doubt and uncertainty. Nobody wants it I tell you, and for the last time, SIT DOWN!”

Kezia Dugdale: ” The Tories are decimating this country, and that is why I’m backing them, but you are obsessed with independence Nicola. Get over yourself and get on with your day job. Did I mention that my friend Gordon and I have a plan which will work?Nobody wants a referendum.”

Wee Wullie: “Are you putting stringy cheese in the soup?”

Nicola Sturgeon: “Right then, I’ll just go and finish heating up and serving the soup. Make yourselves at home. Whilst you are relaxing there’s an interesting wee report on a recent poll lying on the coffee table you might want to look at.”


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