Dear people of Scotland
This is the letter we’ve wanted to send you for some time now.
You are delusional if you think we are going to let you go. Do any other regions of the UK act like you? Does the West Midlands? Or Yorkshire? Or the North East? No they don’t. Why do you persist in this tiresome nonsense? The question of Scottish independence was settled by the referendum in 2014, You overwhelmingly voted to give us carte blanche to continue to do exactly what we want with what once, many years ago, might loosely have been described as a country, but for three hundred odd years now has been part of us, the United Kingdom, or for easiness in conversation when on holiday and telling people where you are from, England.
Stop wasting energy on something that will never happen. We have control, we will maintain control, and It is essential that we do, to ensure that our long established channels for dividing wealth the way we want to continues, as we have done for generations. Blessed are the wealth creators, us. We deserve to keep our privileged positions in society. We deserve the vast wealth we inherited from others like us, or that we accumulated at your expense, as a reward for our cunning and singlemindedness.
What would be the benefit of giving you control over your own destiny, your own natural resources, your own land, your own assets, your own finances? You’d only squander it all on each other. You don’t need an excellent standard of health care, we do. You don’t need a high quality education system designed to give those it educates a passkey to untold opportunity and advantage, we do. You don’t need a beneficial social framework that ensures that your financial commitments are met, we do. You don’t matter. We do. There are many of you, you are interchangeable, expendable, and you are there for one purpose, as is the United Kingdom itself, to facilitate the ongoing transfer of wealth to us.
We hear you talk all the time about your culture. You don’t have a specific culture. All those years ago, before we absorbed you, many of you spoke a different language to us. We successfully got rid of that. we also got rid of many of you over the years by forcing you, one way or another, to leave. Sheep were cheaper to keep, and less problematic. Our culture is your culture. Accept that. Red double decker buses, Big Ben, Last Night of the Proms, Trooping the Colour, this is our shared culture. Get with the programme Jock.
Forget all of this talk of self-determination. It’s just making you unsettled. We are at the dawn of a golden era. We are about to re-establish ourselves in the new world order. We may be small in size, which is another reason we need you, but we have power, and we have powerful friends, probably on a scale not seen for many years, as long as we keep them happy. We will use this power to our advantage though, not yours. As in previous generations, your sons and daughters will be sent into foreign lands, admittedly some may not return, to gather yet more wealth for us. You may, or may not, benefit from this by association to us, but you can take pride in the knowledge that your children have done what you and your insignificant forefathers have done in the past, protected us.
Have we made ourselves clear? Splendid. Now shut up and get back to work, we’ve got billions of pounds worth of cheaply produced goods from third world countries we need to sell to you at huge mark-up profits. Ten thousand acre estates and holiday homes in the Bahamas don’t pay for themselves you know.
One last thing. Your ineffectual mouthpiece, laughably described as a ‘First Minister” suggests, in that guttural accent most of you have, that our political branch, the Government, are “running a wee bit feart”. This seems to be yet another example of that babbling made-up lingo you chaps grunt at each other. We don’t understand what that means, nor are we the slightest bit inclined to find out.
Yours in perpetual union in our great family of nations.
The UK Establishment
P.S. (Keep the money rolling in).