Vowed Oot

Oh please say it isn’t so? Look out folks.’ Kez’ (a much trendier handle than Kezia, even Lord Darling of Bumfluff calls her that. Quirkily shortening names adds character, nuance and easy informality to enhance one’s political street cred. You know like “Clem” Attlee, or , “Tam” Dalyell, or even ‘Ali’ D himself in his younger days when he professed to be a socialist, running about carrying flags declaring his desire for Scotland to become a republic, before he discovered that significant wealth was a better option), anyway, heaven help us, ‘Kez’ is being crystal clear again. In fact she’s “never been clearer that this is the time for Labour’s values – values of solidarity, equality and cooperation.”

In a speech to the worthies at the Institute for Public Policy Research in London the leader of the Scottish branch office of New/Old/ Post Truth/ Post Socialist/Post Christmas cards Labour has advocated a spiffing new idea that will cure us all of this bolshie self-determination lark once and for all, a new Act of Union.

Solidly backed in the media by the aforementioned ermine-cloaked counter of pieces of silver ‘Kez’ proposes, in the wake of Brexit, to reform the British Constitution, which wouldn’t be hard because much of it isn’t written down anyway, and create a new super-duper Federalised Britain. And lo, unto a previously barren country a new Vow was born! Yet again, for the umpteenth time, there will be loads of new real devolved power, and cake, lots of cake.

Does anyone actually believe any of this nonsense anymore? Does the remaining Labour voter in Scotland (him or her) believe it? The Labour Party’s relationship with what was their heartland in Scotland is becoming more like a Punch and Judy show with each passing day, wheeling out Gordy the saviour and scarer of Scottish parents of children with serious illnesses and those needing blood transfusions, or Darling, every so often, shouting “That’s the way to do it, that’s the way to do it.”

‘Kez’ professes to having been stunned on the morning of the 19th September two years ago when the then Prime Minister stepped out of the front door of 10 Downing Street beaming, and effectively stuck the fingers up to the people of Scotland, muttering the words “ too soon? “ to his advisors, getting a nod from a smiling George Osborne and hollering the word “SUCKERS!’ at the top of his voice, before starting to rattle on about English Votes For English Laws.

Stunned, really? In typical ‘Kez’ confusing crystal-clear-speak she then goes on to say in the next breath that Scots who voted No must never forget why they fought to save the UK, and she’s proud, immensely proud (they like to get that word in as often as they can) to have fought to have kept the UK together.

I don’t know either lady personally but I think we can safely say that ‘Nic’ was a damned sight more stunned than “Kez’ was, and if ‘Kez’ was that particularly bothered about Scotland, rather than her future career prospects, being just a wee tad ashamed would have been a more appropriate emotional response than being stunned but proud at Cameron’s immediate disrespectful dismissal of her country.

Reading between the lines Ms Dugdales speech, made not in Scotland , and obviously not for the benefit of the people of Scotland, is actually saying look at us in the Labour Party, aren’t we great, aren’t we radical. In a world that’s changing for the worse we can come up with what we think is a great idea to save the British Establishment from harm. That being the case dearest voters of middle England would you mind replacing the current set of right of centre neo-liberals in government with our set of right of centre neo-liberals. It’s been a few years now since we had a proper go at the trough, and we miss it.

We promise we’ll be just like them, you’ll still get your tax breaks if you are earning big money, and we’ll still punish the poor to keep you comfy, but we’ll do it in a slightly more subtle way than the other lot, so it doesn’t offend you too much, not giving you indigestion at breakfast whilst you read about it in the Telegraph.

Also. dear voters of middling wealth. I promise, well at least certain sources at HQ have promised me, that we’ll get shot of that symbolic socialist guy after a suitable waiting time after our last attempt, as soon as we can think up an electorally palatable excuse to dump him. I know yes, he is a pain. Always on about social justice, refugees, the disadvantaged, and doing away with our nuclear deterrent, but he won’t be there for much longer, trust us. Us professional politicians know what we’re doing….

Give us a break ‘Kez’. We didnae come up the Clyde in a banana boat.

Scotland, as an independent country, could do oh so much better.

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