The Cabinet Room, 10 Downing Street, yesterday, early afternoon. The First Ministers of Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland having left the building.
Theresa May : (Slightly whispering) “Has she definitely gone?”
David Mundell: (Furtively peeping through the curtains)” No Ma’am. She’s still out there talking to the press!’
Theresa May: “Open the window a bit Denis. You are Scotch, aren’t you? See if you can understand what she’s saying to them.”
David Mundell: (Bowing) “Yes Prime Minister” (Gently, and quietly, lifting the window, trying not to draw the attention of the media pack outside, so that the window is slightly ajar).
Theresa May: “So what’s going on Denis, can you hear her?”
David Mundell: “Sorry Ma’am, I’m still called David. (Lifting lughole from window ledge) The press hack from the Sun has just asked her where she gets her shoes.”
Theresa May; “Never mind all of that. What is she saying?’
David Mundell: “ She’s telling them that our meeting has left her feeling frustrated. She says she hasn’t learnt anything new today. She’s saying that the meeting involved robust discussion. Oh well done Prime Minister (gushing) you were so firm with her.”
Theresa May : “ What else is she saying Denis, what else?”
David Mundell; (Voice turning panicky) “She’s on to us! She’s telling them we don’t have a plan for Brexit! Someone just asked her if she felt as if she was undermining our Brexit negotiations, and she answered by saying ‘that you can’t undermine something that doesn’t exist!’ She says that you promised her months ago that we would only invoke Article 50 once an accommodation had been reached between all UK partners on a common approach. Oh my goodness, what are we going to do?…. She’s got friends in Europe, and she’s consulting the masses on plans for a referendum on independence again….We’re doooooomed……”
Theresa May: ‘Calm down Denis. David, you are the Minister for Brexit. How is the Brexit plan coming along? Are we using our tried and tested techniques?”
David Davis: “ Of course Prime Minister. We’re following our usual plan as always. However things are not going too well. We’ve been trying to find something we can threaten the other EU members with for months, with no success. We then tried to determine who we can buy orf, and that doesn’t seem to be working either. Those blooming Johnny Foreigners seem to be sticking together on this one.”
Theresa May: “Keep trying. Meanwhile we stick firmly to the line that Brexit means Brexit for the UK as a whole. Hard, soft, squidgy or crunchy. We all leave together to begin our glorious renaissance. Rule Britannia ……until we can figure out what we are going to do next.
The public is going to cotton on shortly too that we’re clueless, so we’d better organise another pageant of some sort to divert their attention. Ring Buck House and ask if there’s another baby in the offing. No, better still. Has the younger one got a girlfriend? No? Get him one, and get a wedding organised. That’ll fill the papers for a while. Someone get me Nicholas Witchell. Also, get on the phone to China, and firm up that provisional order for the new Royal Yacht. We are going to need that soon. Yes, take the money from the NHS budget. They won’t notice, and we can run a competition in the Express to name it.
Is she still there Denis? “
David Mundell: “Oh Yes Prime Minister. She has the press pack’s full attention now. She’s still talking, and has just said something about fully protecting Scotland’s interests and addressing the ‘democratic deficit’. What’s a democratic deficit?”