The Cabinet Room, 10 Downing Street. A thin pale woman, with the look of an undertaker, sits hunched over some paperwork at a long polished oak table, underneath a portrait of Baroness Margaret Thatcher.
A frocked coated underling appears, interrupting the silence.
“I’m sorry to disturb you Prime Minister, but I have the Secretary of State for Scotland outside asking to see you, and frankly he seems agitated.”
Theresa May: “Show him in…”
David Mundell: (Bowing at the waist) ” Prime Minister, it’s so good of you to see me at short notice. I’m so worried……No, No, No……” (Shaking his head from side to side and sweating profusely).
Theresa May: “Stop rambling Denis, and get to the point. I’m a busy woman. Out with it!”
David Mundell: “Apologies Ma’am (bowing again) but it’s actually still David. The thing is…. well…. They are on to us…. The game is up.”
Theresa May: “How can they possibly be on to us Denis? We’ve taken the greatest of care, both sides of the House,with no expense (of Scotland’s) spared to keep them like mushrooms for generations. Are you telling me that has changed?”
David Mundell: “Those Nats have had a conference, They’ve decided they are going to draft up a new divorce proposal if we don’t let them stay in Europe. After all we’ve done for them, evil swines. But they are a garrulous bunch, and somehow,….somehow the word has gotten out.”
Theresa May: “Don’t worry, our methods are tried and tested Denis. We’ve had spin doctors for years hitting home the message to them that they have a huge deficit, even during the times they didn’t, that our oil, that they store around their shores for us, is a curse, and running out next year, every year, that their puny little province is a financial basket case, that they can’t have the pound, and, as they are so teensy weensy, they need our benevolence to survive, and be cosy and safe.
Their poverty rates are appalling. It’s been easy to convince them that they are somewhat insignificant. It always works….Are you really telling me we have a problem?”
David Mundell ” Yes Ma’am, (genuflecting) some of them have worked out that all of these problems that we tell them that they have have one common denominator., and I’m sure they’ll tell the others. It’s going to spread quicker than a backstabbing at a cabinet meeting,”
Theresa May “And what is that my dear chap?”
David Mundell: “All of them have happened whilst under the control of Westminster.”
Theresa May (Lifting phone and speaking into it with urgency) “Get me Amber Rudd, Karen Bradley, the Secretary of Kultcha, the editors of the Daily Mail, Express, Telegraph, The Scotsman, the Herald, The Sun, and that one with the Vow, I can’t remember what it’s called.
Deploy the Twitterbots that we bought from that nice chapTrump. Then get me the Director General of the British Broadcasting Corporation, the chap from Sky who works for Uncle Rupert, and Andrew……. What? …….either one will do, Marr or Neil… Oh and contact Lord Darling, yes the one with the eyebrows. We’re going to need him as a consultant.
I want them all here right now…… We’re launching Operation Snake-oil 2….”