The sound of a pair of brown brogues on a heavily polished floor. A knock on an expensive solid oak door………..

Theresa May: “ Ah, come in Denis. Glad you could make it. I’ve got a little job for you.”

David Mundell: “Good afternoon Prime Minister. I’m so sorry but it’s David actually. What can I do for you ma’am (bowing) anything at all.”

Theresa May: “ Oh thank you so much Denis. That’s comforting to hear. I like loyalty. I’m not usually fond of men with beards, but I do so enjoy a groveler.”

David Mundell: ‘I’m your man for that ma’am (bowing again) unctuous to a fault.”

Theresa May: ‘Splendid Denis, and I’m led to believe that you are Scotch, is that correct?’

David Mundell: “Oh yes Prime Minister. I even speak the language, ‘Ock aye you ken’. In fact I’m the Secretary of State for Scotland.”

Theresa May: “ Oh, do we still have one of those? I didn’t realise. Anyway , you are perfect for what we have in mind.”

David Mundell: “ I’ll do anything to make you love me Prime Minister. May I also say that’s a beautiful set of pearls you are wearing. They go with your complexion.”

Theresa May: (Chilling smile)” Now, down to business. You’ll have heard, now that we are back as a WORLD LEADER, that we intend to build a new Royal yacht, quite good value really, a trifling sum of(cough) one hundred million pounds of taxpayers money or so?”

David Mundell: “Oh yes (clapping fins like a seal) a marvellous idea. Those foreign leaders will just fall over themselves to sign huge trading agreements with us once they’ve experienced the touch of a royal glove upon their sweaty little mitts.”

Theresa May: “Quite. However that’s not all we intend to do. You are familiar with the East India Company?”

David Mundell: “Oh yes Prime Minister. I’ve eaten there many times. They do a splendid tandoori lamb poori cutlet, very creative with the invoices for expenses too. A marvellous restaurant.”

Theresa May: ”Not the eatery Ginge, the trading company we used to use as a front to fleece half the planet the last time we were a WORLD LEADER.”

David Mundell: “Oh yes, I see. I think I’ve heard of them.”

Theresa May: “Well anyway, once Brexit is jolly well launched we’re setting up the company again. We’re going to need it. There’s only one problem though.”

David Mundell: “And what’s that Prime Minister?”

Theresa May: “ We don’t have any troops to push Johnny Foreigner around anymore when we go back for the rest of the booty, and I can’t see the locals chipping in with regiments to help this time, even if we make some of them Maharajas again. They’ve got nuclear weapons now you know.”

David Mundell: “We’ve got some of them I think. I can’t remember where we put them though (scratching napper) I’m sure it’ll come to me. Where do you see me fitting in?”

Theresa May: “Well, remember you informed Parliament the other day, very eloquently I thought, that Scotland may benefit as a result of Brexit?”

David Mundell: (Hesitantly) “Yes….”

Theresa May: “ I’m introducing national service, in Scotland only, three year tours of service, What age is Mhairi Black? Everybody between 18 and 40, no exceptions, and you are selling it to them……..”

David Mundell: ‘ But, But……..But I’ll be unpopular, I’ll have to leave the openings of new foodbanks via the emergency door to avoid angry crowds,……..I’ll have absolutely no credibility.”

Theresa May: “Never stopped you before. Bye now Denis. Perhaps if you wear a kilt when you announce the plan?………Maybe not.”


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