Consulting One’s Partners

“First Minister, there’s a telephone call for you, it’s Prime Minister May.”

Nicola Sturgeon: “Thanks. Can you put her through?………………Good morning Prime Minister, How are you?”

Theresa May: “ Ah Nicola, I’m well. In fact I’m in tip-top shape. I feel on top of the world!”

Nicola Sturgeon: “That’s nice. I’m pleased for you. What can I do for you?”

Theresa May: “ I just thought I’d give you a buzz to touch base after our little Autumn soiree in Birmingham. It was such fun you know, and I suddenly remembered this morning that I’d promised the press after our last chat that I wouldn’t launch into any Brexity naughtiness until there was an approach in place that considered everyone in our wonderful and glorious partnership. So here I am.”

Nicola Sturgeon: “Ummmm. You are a wee bit late, don’t you think Prime Minister?”

Theresa May: “How do you mean dear girl?’

Nicola Sturgeon? ‘ You’ve announced to the world that you are invoking Article 50 by the end of March, you’ve scared the living daylights out of half the country, with about another quarter of the population, people with professions and essential skills we need, frantically checking the employment websites for Paris, Berlin, Lisbon and Madrid, you’ve created mass panic in the business community and the National Health Service in England, just by getting Amber Rudd and Jeremy Hunt to speak in front of a camera, you’ve made it entirely clear that the Brexit you will pursue does not involve having access to the single market, and heaven knows what the consequences of your Party’s conference will be with regards to hate crime. I thought we had an agreement? I thought you said you would consult me, listen to any concerns, and take account of the people of Scotland’s views?”

Theresa May: “ I did.”

Nicola Sturgeon “Eh? This is the first you’ve spoken to me about it.”

Theresa May: “Emmmm, well I meant to, I was a bit busy……. You understand, don’t you?’

Nicola Sturgeon: “Nope.”

Theresa May: “ But surely you agree with my decisions? They are for the best.”

Nicola Sturgeon: “Nope.”

Theresa May: “ I thought my speech was excellent. “if you believe you are a citizen of the world, you are a citizen of nowhere” trips off one’s tongue. You nationalist separatist types would appreciate that sentiment I’d imagine?”

Nicola Sturgeon: “Absolutely Nope.”

Theresa May: “ But it’s only 80,000 Scottish jobs that will go at first. There’s loads of zero hours contracts and part-time fast food jobs in the pipeline when we begin the privatisation process ………Don’t be angry with me….. Promise me you’ll keep in touch. Promise me I’ll hear from you soon?’

Nicola Sturgeon: “Oh aye, you’ll hear from us soon. You can count on it………………….. beeeeeep…………..”


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