The gemme’s a bogey. The dream of self-determination for Scotland has died. Everybody quickly get back in to your box.

C’mon now, move along, in an orderly and sheeplike manner. The cereal bowls are waiting. We are beaten.

The Union has been saved for once and for all due to a political masterstroke. The party of the people have decided that, on the very thinnest of very thin surfaces, they are about to re-launch themselves as…….the party of the people.

As a key tenet of this major strategic move the former Scottish branch office of the once great movement that was the Labour Party (they are great again apparently) is to become the most autonomously autonomous political organisation ever created in the history of the world. In fact they’ll now just be known as Scottish Autos.

Their London leader secure in his position, like Julius heading for the Forum, now strolls into the Palace of Westminster past Big Issue sellers imploring him to ‘beware the Ides of March’, but, no worries, everything is fine because the parliamentary party are all going to get behind him. Watch your back Jezza.

The platitudes have started too. ‘The Labour Party speaks up for Scotland and puts Scotland first.’ What about that? Great eh? Inspiring stuff, and so original.

In line with the strong left wing language of rebirth of their leadership, in an effort to convince their abandoned voters, now labelled as separatist hordes, we’ll now start to hear regularly in speeches luxuriant evocations of the likes of Keir Hardie and James Maxton.

Perhaps some of our newly born-again Guevaras will even drop the odd hint, in Sunday magazine interviews, that their personal struggle to pursue equality and social reform was deeply implanted in their blood by long deceased relatives of previous generations who were from Springburn and freens of MacLean.

It can only be weeks before we’ll see short, stout, red faced fifty-something’s, men in cheap suits, grinning from ear to ear whilst sitting in expensive restaurants, telling journalists from the Hootsmon “Aye so, we’re back to not having to count votes, we just weigh them. Pass the canapés, will you?”

The interesting quirk of this new fresh and dynamic autonomy will be the Scottish Labour Scottish Scottish Party’s ability to set policy in all areas, including on reserved matters. Mone then Kezia, let’s see your true mettle. Are you willing to take the chance? Are you able to embrace ‘real’ socialist values? Are you ready to lead your people out of the wilderness and join us?…… Naw, didnae think so.

As Jimmy Reid once said…….

“When New Labour came to power, we got a right-wing Conservative government. I came to realise that voting Labour wasn’t in Scotland’s interests any more. Any doubt I had about that was cast aside for ever when I saw Gordon Brown cosying up to Margaret Thatcher in Downing Street.”

Nothing has changed. They can dress a coo up as a thoroughbred racehorse if they like, but it’s still just a coo.


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