The Settled Will

Two years on from one of the finest moments in our glorious Britannic history since Trafalgar, the extremely fairly contested referendum to put down the scourge of screaming nationalist separatists in this, our northern province, we at the North British Broadcasting Corporation thought we would catch up with some of the key personalities involved, heroes one and all, to gauge their thoughts looking back on 2014.

Firstly we spoke to former socialist Baron Darling of Roulanish, Baron Darling, what are your reflections on the events of 2014?

“I got what I wanted. The strength and security of an ermine cloak. There’s no need for me to worry about currency anymore either. Oh, and the outcome was the settled will of the Bri…..Scottish people.”

Moving on to ‘The Baroness Moan’ Baroness, your thoughts?

“Me too, and the outcome was the settled will of the Scottish people right!”

Ex Prime Minister David Cameron give us an insight on your views?

“It was a close run thing but I knew we could do it. However I haven’t time right now to say much more, I’m off for a job interview as I kind of jumped before I was pushed from my last role, and I’ve a few months left to wait before my name comes up as a new member of the House of Lords. To be honest I’m sick of referendums, they are so tiresome. However the outcome was the settled will of the people of Scotland.”

Ex Chancellor George Osborne there must be something you can add?

“Daddy is big in carpets, and one day it will all be mine, as well as the titled Baronetcy of Ballentaylor! I’m just waiting to pull the plug on this public service lark like David did. I’m off any day now. Scotland? Oh yes, I remember. As I recollect the outcome was the settled will of the people of Scotland.”

Nick Clegg, former deputy Prime Minister, how do you view the events of that momentous campaign?

“Don’t ask me. I only signed it because I thought it was a get well card for Boris Johnson, who had flu at the time. If I’d known they were going to actually use it I wouldn’t have used my real name. I’m kind of in a career lull at the moment too, although I can’t work out why. But yes, the outcome was the settled will of the people of Scotland.”

Ex Miliband reflect for us, if you will, on your thoughts when the results came in?

“I was absolutely devastated. After us spending so many years trying to be more like the Tories than the Tories themselves we still got a shellacking, and hey presto I was out of a job! Oh sorry, wrong event, you mean Scotland? Yes, well I don’t understand how the Scots can’t see that we are entirely for the working people. It’s a mystery to me, and those ghastly girls who accosted me in Glasgow during the campaign, I couldn’t understand a word they said. Every time I spoke they just kept saying what sounded like  ” Ahsmellshite”. Anyway, the outcome was the settled will of the people of Scotland.”

Jim Murphy ex leader of the Scottish Labour Scottish Scottish party, it was a tough one Jim but we did it the end eh?

“Yes, we did. I deserve a great deal of credit for it. It was me in all my meeness that got us over the line. Funnily enough I lost my job too, but it’s okay because I set myself up as an international consultant in opportunism. Suits me down to the ground. I’m currently acting as an advisor on conflict resolution in Central Asia. Having spent months running around Glasgow with a film crew trying to goad the locals into hitting me, unsuccessfully, I feel I’m well qualified. The outcome though, was the settled will of the people of Scotland.”

Finally, Ex Prime Minister Gordon Brown, what are your recollections?

“All I can say about my great success is that I vow to thee my country. Without overemphasising my part in the great victory I would simply describe it thus, behold I parted the water, and when I reached the other side I turned and raised my hands to the heavens and the waters poured forth upon the demonic Salmond and his hordes of charioted tartan hordes. That’ll be 65k please. Next! Most definitely the outcome was the settled will of the people of Scotland.”

Just so we can’t be accused of bias our reporter in Edinburgh met with two of the defeated forlorn wretched nationalists who came a right cropper when they decided to take on the empire.

Alex Salmond, You lost. As an MP at Westminster don’t you think at your age you’d be better off seeking a seat on the benches of the other chamber at the Palace of Westminster?

“Rocks will melt with the sun before I’d ever set foot in the House of Lords.”

Nicola Sturgeon, following your abject failure how have you fared since the settled will of the Scottish people was confirmed in the 2014 referendum?

“I’m now the democratically elected First Minister of Scotland, and naw, it wisnae.”

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