‘Good Evening. Here Is The News’

That’s it then. No need for Scotland to have control over its news services. It’s too wee, and too insignificant. Rest easy and hush now. Fear not. The renewal of the BBC Charter is going to settle all of this North British separationista nonsense once and for all.

One of the key aims of the BBC apparently is to ‘reflect the national mood and national news across the UK’. That’s it cleared up. By national they mean English, or to be more accurate, from London, about London, and how international affairs impact London.

Therefore the current sometimes almost imperceptible, most of the time not, subtle brainwashing involving every second TV programme title beginning with the words ‘The Great British……’ and every broadcast of the news where you are flashing faint barely visible watermark ‘SNPbad’ signs above Jackie Burd’s heid, will continue.

The foreshortening of the contours of our rugged coastline on the weather map, which shows off some crackin’ digital technology simulating the earth’s curve, technology which your licence fee pays for, making Scotland look like it has the size and significance of a small cafe in Luxembourg, will however change. From now on there will be no discernible display of Scotland at all on the weather map of the UK. In it’s place we’ll get a detailed county by county summary of the southern half of blighty, but for Scotland there will just be a picture of an umbrella beside a Scottish town name. This will alter each day as they change the name of the town. Accompanying this ground-breaking new style of weather news will be some tawtie-moothed spanner, who will take great delight in mispronouncing the names of Scottish towns every night. It’ll be great.

Auntie Beeb’s news curse of the black black oil running theme inflicting untold pain on Scottish economic life will continue apace but efforts to bring the peasants back in to the fold are about be ramped up somewhat. It has been noted that there have been several hundred thousand escapees from the unionist matrix over the last few years, leaking into the real world, and they can’t have that!

From now on the broadcasting day in North B (trendily shortened to reflect hip post Brexit self-confidence, the word Scotland will be phased out) will begin promptly each morning at dawn with a union flag raising ceremony ‘live’ with your breakfast boiled egg.

During the day, for those then not out working to make a very small amount of very rich people even richer, we’ll have four hours of compulsory highlights of the Olympic Games and medal ceremonies, daily, repeated on Monday and Wednesday nights. This will be followed by the latest two hour weekly instalment of the Queens 90th year Birthday celebrations (on 21st April that series will tick over to episode 1 of the Queens 91st year Birthday celebrations). This show will, of course, be hosted by the ever fawning and sugary Nicholas Witchell.

In order to further realign North British views to match up with much of the rest of the glorious Sceptred Isle Saturday nights will see the return of three much loved BBC classics to Scottish screens only, again paying homage to the renewed enthusiasm for days of empire post Brexit. North Britons will have the pleasure of viewing ‘The Good Old Days’, ‘The Black and White Minstrel Show’ and ‘ It Ain’t Half Hot Mum’. Cor blimey guv’nor, that’ll surely cut down the numbers heading for the pubs on a Saturday night.

Certain words and phrases will also now be considered taboo on North B TV news. For example the phrase “renewable energy potential” is now completely banned. The combination of the words ‘successful’ and ‘Scotland’ or ‘Scottish’ in the same sentence is strongly discouraged. Mentioning the ‘I’ word without it being in a negative context by any newscaster will result in immediate suspension, and a red line marked under their name on the future OBE list.

Give it four or five years or so of this stuff and the only folk left waving Saltires will be wearing see-you-Jimmy wigs at sporting events.

Laugh? I nearly paid a licence fee.

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One thought on “‘Good Evening. Here Is The News’

  1. The rule about not saying the ‘I’ word has been in place for years. Everyone in Project Fear (which most certainly included the BBC) were singing from the same hymn sheet on that one. Never heard it said once, in the entire campaign. It’s called ‘Separation’ don’t y’know? And it would be unforgivably cynical of me to suggest that the reason for such surprising consistency is because for most people the word ‘independence’ has positive connotations (moving out of parental home), whereas ‘separation’ has negative ones (relationship breakdown). Because it couldn’t possibly be that obvious. Could it?

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